he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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