Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
