Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
