I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
