we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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