I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
