if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just cropdusted the office
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
