I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
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Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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