I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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