I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
