I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
