woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
