so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
