Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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