i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How does one acquire holy water?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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