I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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