Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
