I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
