I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
