Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
