you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
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