Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
