omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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