Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
