If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
