There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
