This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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