I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
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Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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