im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He passed out mid-signature
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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