I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
