So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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