I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
