how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
