i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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