The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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