Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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