Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
