You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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