one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
