Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
