It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
