I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
