i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
