If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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