your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
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Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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