I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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