i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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