how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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