Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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