dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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