shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
