just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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