i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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