you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Randomize
