Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
