I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
