and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
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So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.