Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis