I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
